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Thursday, April 08, 2010
Hi all who still read this blog,
I'll like to pin down some of my thoughts. As I read Kristie's blog, I find myself recognising some stuffs.
To begin with, I realise that when we do things, people perceive things differently. For Example, I like to help people with the administrative stuffs and do it willingly trying to help as much as I can. However, some people perceive it as being used by others.
Whether it is genuine that people is really just making used of me, I think the heart attitude is key. If I treat everyone the same, just as God loves me and my brothers and sisters in Christ, I can stand blameless before God and say I didnt live a double standard and my heart attitude is right.
Father, I pray that God, You may protect me. I pray that this platoon that I am working with God-centered people. It is not about shifting blame but in honouring You. I pray that I will not fall into the trap of judging. Allow Holy Spirit to fill me in, lead me and guide me to be an authoritative parents, standing firm yet filled with love.
In this platoon, I pray for the commanders, for unity in the platoon commanders. I pray that we will be able to work together as a team and not individuals. I pray that this platoon will honour You. In Jesus Name, Amen
Blessed be Your name!!
Signed Off @9:42 PM
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Today, I feel damn sad. I was simply just indulging in a lot of reflection. I knew I wasn't a good Commander. Yet, I'll try to be one... I failed in my duties as a SC. I want to Honour God and fulfil my duty as a SC. I think there are steps that can fulfil both. However, I may not have found the right steps to do so. I end up either caught up with either.
Opinions about me has arise.. I don't really know how to handle. I was admonish for some stuffs I did. I don't find that it is my fault but I think in the hearts of them, I am nothing. It is like, have me or without me, it doesn't make a difference.
I am probably a person who is not loved by others. There are 2 reasons. One is I can be too Holy that people shuns me. Another reason could be just that people thinks that I am really that bad. I think I am the latter...
In any case, all glory to God. Amen
Signed Off @7:23 PM
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
Today, I started off angry with someone. Someone whom I don't really like. I actually intend to by-pass the chain of Command to report about this person. Yet I didnt.
I watched "Facing the Giants" again. It is like "wow". My faith was literally rekindled. I wanted more of God. I want to have a new working, team philoshopy. What is the purpose of my life?
I remember in the movie, the Coach, Grant Taylor said this, "It has been all about us. But as I read this book(bible), I realised that it is not largely about God. It is not to get glory, make money and die. If we win every game but miss this pt(to honour God). Football means nothing. Football is just a way to honour God."
So one of the player asked," So you think God cares about football?"
He answered, "He cares about your faith. If your faith is in football, He cares about football because He cares about you. But it is not about Football but it is in our lives, our relationships, respect for authories, football and at home surfing the internet. When we win, we praise Him, we lose we praise Him"
This really hit my heart. I was tearing when I watch the movie about the wife of Coach Taylor supporting him by his side. The kind of faith that Coach Taylor has.
The part when the Team, Shiloh Eages, didnt get into the playoffs but the Princeton high was disqualified. He says this to his team," I want to let you know that when we play in a team that honours Him, His blessings follows" This is so powerful. God so loved His blessings that He supplies even more. Coach Taylor only wanted a win in the Playoffs but he was blessed with the chance to take on the Giants in the State Championship.
I was really hit. Managed to spend some time praying and surrendering my life to the Lord. It is really not about me. But it is about God. Jesus. I'll remember this,
"Attitude is the aroma of your heart."
I will remember this verse. Matt 19:26 - With God, all things are possible!!!
I receive this in my inner man.
May the Glory and honour be unto God!!
Amen
Signed Off @8:42 PM
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Today started off with not so well. Why? I was just feeling sad after today's Route March. I was starting to feel inferior. I was starting to feel indifferent. I was asking whyself, where did my anger come about? Why did I keep on pushing the them to walk when they are struggling? Why am I so angry? Did it come out of good faith that I really want him to walk more and complete the march?
I really wondered. I guess the anger came when I think I'm seeking the approval of man. When people around me start pushing the man on. I started too. I guess this is why I am so angry. When everything ended, he want to fall out, I wanted the I/C to check strength first. It doesnt matter what happened.
I just so sad and angry with myself. Why I don't know how to react. Why I am concern....I just disappointed in myself!!
Facebook God wants you to know application share with me that I can choose the day to be disappointing or not... I think it's very true....
Thank God
Signed Off @11:40 AM
Monday, January 11, 2010
Today has been a special day. I think after my long weekend, I had learned a lot. 1st was the message from Cell, Love in Action. 1 Cor 13:4-7 - Love is patient, Love is kind, Love does not envy, Love does not boast. It is not proud, it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrong. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always persevere.
As Gim lead us in a time of sharing this weekend, there is something that triggers in me. How I am not loving. Be it towards my family, towards my cell, towards my friends, etc. It is like a form of hurt in me.
As I enter into service today, I praise God for who He is. He is sovereign. As Pastor Jenn preached in service, the 3 roles of the boat in Luke 5:1-11, I was deeply touched. My Purpose in Army. The one that triggers me is the point no. 2: A fishing boat still being used as a fishing boat. My role in army is to help to train soldiers to be more seasoned soldiers. Soldiers who can defend the country. If the need comes, I need to be harsh because my objective is to train them to be disciplined and able to achieve a swift and decisive victory should deterrence fail.
I deeply touched when I saw my first aunt(Maternal). She is currently now in Hospitial. She hopes to see my brother get married. I pray that she will be. In eagerness and desperation, I pray that healing be upon her. I pray that God, You will be there for her. That is the measure of love she has for everyone of us.
R.E.S.T
Signed Off @10:28 AM
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
I CAN'T IMAGINED HOW FUCKED UP I AM!!!!
WHY AM BEING SANDWICHED RIGHT NOW?
WHY AM I FEELING SO MUCH PRESSURE!!!!
WHY AM I GOING TO DISAPPOINT PEOPLE WHEN I PROMISED THEM!!!
WHY! WHY ! WHY!
WHY I AGREE TO TAKE UP DUTIES DURING MY LEAVE!!!
WHY!!!?? WHY!!! WHY!!!!
WHY I HATE MY LIFE?
WHY I FEEL SO ANGRY???
WHY I FEEL SO FUCKED UP???
WHY CAN'T I JUST AWOL!!!!
I AM JUST A STUPID IDIOT!!!
I FEEL LIKE CRYING!!!!
YET I CAN'T !!!!
WHY AM I ARROWED A DUTY IN THE MIDDLE OF MY LEAVE!!!!
I THINK I SHOULD JUST END MY LIFE!!!
YET GOD GIVES ME LIFE!!
Signed Off @6:57 PM
Wow..
I didn't know why I have a urge to blog. I wanted to share my life. Let me begin with my life at the start of the year.
Starting this year, I was feeling a bit uncomfortable to a certain extent. This is because Kok Hong left cell on 31 Dec 2009. He was my pillar of dependence back then. Almost everything, big or small, I confided with him. Trusting that he will guide me and help me through the life up ahead of me. Furthermore, I was struggling hard with vulgarities since I was in the army. Yet, Kok Hong didn't leave me in a lurch. He had in mind Ben Yuan, my mentor in church to be my mentor, guiding me.
My life in command school was a struggle spiritually. I do not have a spiritual buddy whom I can talk to until ASLC. I struggle deeply with the sins. I felt helpless back then.
My sins issue was worsen in the month of Sept. I kept asking myself in terms of psychological terms. Am I lacking in love? Security? Control? To a certain extent, I was even "pushing the blame" to one of girl which I thought I like. I was thinking, "Maybe it is because I don't feel accepted when she rejected me. Maybe I don't feel love". After months of pondering, I realised I am just going in circles. It was just my coping mechanism. It was the wrong coping mechanism. I realised that it is purely my own self. It was I who chose to sin against the temple of God.
Recently, I had been doing reports for my group of accountability partners. I realised how far I am with God. Now in church, I shifted cell, I feel that I am growing in a sense, I find myself in the days of my JC, being on fire for God. I want to desire more of God. I come to the point of questioning myself for everything done just to check if I had honour God in all of my ways.
I think last night, God gave me a dream. A dream that was so real. This dream is something about black magic. I was in a room. I entered this room with a monster in front of me. He was asking me to drink a "portion" that will make me as disgusting as him. It was tempting. Somehow, I don't know why I felt disgusted by it and start throwing up. In a few moments, I find myself throwing up water. When I was awaken, I was praying to God, asking Him,"Why?". Somehow, I felt that it is like a form of purification. A form in which I throw up the bads. It also taught me(aligned with the bible principle) that I need to be frustrated enough that I will commit to God.
God, Sorry for the many wrong things that I've done. Today, I want to make a decision. A choice to follow you again. It is wrong of me to do things that defile you. Lord, I seek Your ways. May you forgive me. Let Your Will be done. Thanks for this dream. I pray that I will be more closer to you like this song:
Draw me close to you
Never let me go
I lay it all down again
Just to know that I'm your friend
You are my desire
No one else will do
Coz nothing else could take your place
To feel the warmth of your embrace
Help me find the way
Bring me back to You
You're all I want
You're all I never needed
You're all I want
Help me know you are near
Signed Off @1:48 PM
Sunday, December 07, 2008
Wow....It's been real long since I last posted. Since I am free, I will post something..
1st event for the Dec is none other than the enlistment on 12 Dec to BMTC Sch 1. This is pretty exciting plus a bit of fearing. Exciting because I will meet new people and the kind of people who are very different. Fearful because there a a high uncertainty probability. Haha... What a mixed kind of feelings..
2nd event will be Christmas Service. Looking forward to Christmas Service!!! haha...
3rd event will be meeting up with people. I want to meet up with people to chill, to help them. I do not know how much I can help but just wanted to help people. Maybe at this current position, I cant say much about helping people in cell, I do really want to be that listening ear to everyone. Sensitivity issues are present..Yet I felt that I wanted to help and meet up. So dilemma.. Haix...haha....Well...left today, Mon, tues, Wed and Thurs left. Fri is the day...Left about 4.5days.. Hope to make full use of the time bah... I pray for strength to withstand all temptations and just want to be faithful to God. Amen
Haix...Whatever things are...Just leave it to God bah....haha....
Signed Off @2:04 PM
Believer
Er Shi Tao Ronald
20 ( 2010 )
National Universit of Singapore (2011)
17 February
Church of Our Saviour
+shi_tao_89@hotmail.com
Adores
Father In Heaven
Lord Jesus
Family
Cell Phileo
Basketball
Detest
+Loathe 1
Wishlist
Servant of Lord Jesus
Spread the Gospels of God's Kingdom's
Grace from God upon my Promos
God bless people around me
God's Word will be ministered to everyone
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